A record 4687 heart attacks were reported in the metro area of New Orleans following a tight contest between the Saints and the Buccaneers, in which the Saints were able to eke out a last second win via a field goal by Garret Hartley. EMS workers were working overtime to handle the load as emergency rooms at all the major hospitals were packed with people with symptoms ranging from severe chest pains to full blown cardiac arrest.
“We haven’t seen anything like this in quite some time,” said Tulane Hospital spokesman Gabe Bronson. “What happens is you get a bunch of people worked up over the game, they are eating junk food all day, pizza, chicken wings, high cholesterol stuff. Then the game comes down to the last second like this…it’s a recipe for disaster.”
The previous record of 3974 heart attacks in an afternoon was set way back on Dec 21st 2003 in the dark Haslett years during the infamous ‘River City Relay’ play where the Saints seemingly tied the game against the Jags through a series of lateral plays only to see John Carney miss the extra point and the Saints lost by a point, dashing any playoff hopes.
“The critical difference in todays epidemic…,” said Bronson, “…was that most of the people pulled through today. Back in 2003 we had a lot of casualties. And some of the ones who survived wound up taking their own lives later that night. I don’t think we will see that this time.”